The Condom Conversation
by Kimberly-A
Summary: "Hey, Phil, do you have any condoms?"


**Author's Note:** I seem to be on a writing kick lately! This fic was inspired by the fact that Dan and Phil never seem to discuss condoms in fanfics and rarely seem to use them. This seems unrealistic to me, so I wondered what it would be like if they had that conversation. This was the result.

* * *

"Hey, Phil, do you have any condoms?"

Phil did a double-take, then just stared at Dan sitting innocently beside him on the couch, not even looking up from his laptop.

"Um … yeah." Phil hesitated, wondering where the hell the question had come from. "Why? Do you … need one?"

Dan continued staring at the screen, occasionally typing something but mostly just scrolling. "Yeah," he said casually. "Maybe."

Phil cleared his throat awkwardly. "Uh … and you don't have any?"

Dan shrugged and glanced up briefly. "Nah. It's been a while, you know?"

Phil looked away, deciding that staring at the Tetris lamp was a perfect thing to do at a moment like this. "Well … yeah … I mean … I noticed you hadn't brought anyone round." Like, ever. Not that Phil was going to say that.

Dan was still looking at him. Phil could feel those brown eyes boring into him. "You neither."

Phil blushed. The idea of Dan noticing his sex life, or lack thereof, was humiliating. He gestured helplessly with a hand, sort of flapping it awkwardly, but didn't know what to say in response.

"So why do you have condoms?" Dan asked casually, like this was a perfectly normal conversation for them to be having. "If you aren't bringing people home, I mean. Do you just go to their place?"

Phil frowned and looked directly at Dan again. He decided it was time to go on the offensive. "What's with all the questions all of a sudden? And why the sudden urgent need for a condom? Are **you** planning on bringing someone round?" The idea made him sort of feel like he might throw up. He hadn't realized how much he'd just assumed that Dan wasn't sleeping with anyone. Of course, Dan was an attractive young man with the usual needs. Of course he would want sex. And he wouldn't have any trouble finding it. Phil wished he had some excuse to leave the room so he could just go to his room and forget this whole conversation had ever happened.

"No," Dan replied simply. "I just didn't know how long it had been for you. Whether you were safe, you know?"

Phil's frown deepened. "Not to be rude, but why is that any of your business?" He didn't want to admit how irrelevant the question was, given how long it had been for him.

"Well, if I were to come on to you, I just wanted to make sure we were prepared." Dan's voice was still even, like he was commenting on the latest episode of "Westworld" or asking if he should pop round to the shop.

Phil stared at him, his mouth opening and closing wordlessly. Then he cleared his throat. "Is that what's happening? You're coming on to me? By … asking about my condom supply?"

Dan chuckled. "Not the best opening line?" He looked a little embarrassed now. Thank god Phil wasn't the only one feeling uncomfortable!

"Why … why now? All of a sudden?" Sure, there'd always been that sexual tension between them, that unspoken attraction, but Phil had assumed it was always going to stay that way … unspoken. Unacknowledged. It had been years, and they'd never done anything about it, so why now?

Dan looked thoughtful. "Well, I had this dream last night. It wasn't the first time, you know…" he blushed more brightly and the pink spot on his jaw was obvious. "But it just felt really … real. And it got me thinking. What if we actually … did? The stuff from my dreams, I mean."

Phil's eyes were wide. "And … the stuff from your dreams … would involve … condoms?"

Dan grinned. "Maybe. Depending on … you know … whether we needed them. Depending on whether we were both clean. How long it had been since you'd been with someone, you know."

"I'm clean," Phil stuttered. "It's been a long time, and I've been tested."

"Me too," Dan said. "I don't even know how long it's been since I've touched anyone but myself." He hunched his shoulders a bit in embarrassment at the admission.

"I haven't had sex with anyone since we moved in together," Phil admitted candidly, his stomach starting to do that funny tight excited thing it did when it seemed like something really good was about to happen.

Dan met his eyes. "Neither have I. I haven't wanted to."

Phil scooted closer to him on the sofa. Dan's laptop was in the way, but he was clinging to it with fingers gone white with tension.

"So … why do you have condoms? If you haven't been … having sex … with anybody?" Dan asked hesitantly.

Phil looked down, staring at Dan's laptop and its complete lack of stickers. God, how was he supposed to answer that question without utterly humiliating himself? He gulped. "Could you put your laptop down? It's really weird having it open in your lap while we talk about this."

Dan clutched the laptop convulsively but then closed it and placed it on the coffee table. He twisted his hands in his lap as if he didn't know what to do with them now that he wasn't holding anything. "So why do you have the condoms?"

Phil sighed. "This is going to sound weird. And maybe gross. And sort of humiliating. Wait … do I really have to answer?"

Dan tilted his head a bit. "Well, Jesus, now you've got me curious!"

Phil rolled his head back to look at the ceiling, his Adam's apple bobbing nervously. Then he looked down at the carpet. "They make clean-up easier."

He didn't hear anything from Dan for a long moment, but he didn't look up. He just kept staring at the carpet.

Finally, in a rather confused voice, Dan asked, "Clean-up?"

Phil sighed heavily. "Dildos."

He heard a sharp intake of breath from Dan. "Oh." Another long pause. "So … you like …"

Phil could feel his face heating up. "Yeah. I guess. I mean … yes."

"Oh." Phil wasn't sure what to read in Dan's voice, but he didn't have the guts to look at him right now. This was too humiliating. "So…" Dan hesitated before continuing. "You might let me … might want me to … I mean, if we were to do something … you might be open to … um, no pun intended…"

That made Phil giggle, and it broke some of the tension. He glanced up at Dan's face, and Dan didn't look embarrassed or hesitant anymore. And he certainly wasn't giggling. He looked … well … he looked very intense. He was staring at Phil with eyes burning with something Phil had never seen in them before. It looked like want. Desire. Phil shivered.

"You're asking if I'd let you fuck me?" Phil didn't know where he'd gotten the nerve to say that so baldly, but now it was out there and he waited for Dan's reaction.

Dan swallowed convulsively. "You would?"

"Would you want to?"

"God yes!" Dan moaned almost before Phil had even finished getting the words out. They were staring at each other now, both breathing fast.

"I want that, too," Phil admitted quietly. He saw Dan's eyes widen. His pupils were dilated and his lips were slightly parted. Their knees were pressed together, but they hadn't otherwise touched each other yet, which seemed odd, given how intimate the conversation had become. They hadn't even kissed, for god's sake, and they'd already agreed who was going to bottom!

They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment before Dan reached for Phil's hand and took it into his, lacing their fingers together. "Want to … take this conversation into the bedroom?"

Phil nodded, not hesitating a moment.

"Your bedroom? That's where the … condoms are…"

Phil cleared his throat. "If we're both clean, we don't need them. And I'd rather feel you … bare … inside me."

Dan gasped and his fingers clenched around Phil's. His other hand reached out to rest at the nape of Phil's neck, and he reeled him in for a passionate kiss, their lips greedy, their tongues exploring eagerly. It was their first kiss, and it made Phil dizzy with want. Years of waiting, wanting, and they were finally doing this! Their knees were bumping awkwardly and they were leaning toward each other on the sofa in an uncomfortable way, but all he could feel was the desire in Dan's kiss and the heat that was flaring up between them.

Phil pulled away from the kiss and stood suddenly, his hand pulling Dan up beside him. "My room," he declared. "I've got lube." And then he pulled Dan down the hallway like they were in a race.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I'm planning to write at least one alternative version of this fic in which Phil is a little slut who's been sleeping around and so the condoms actually *are* necessary. Maybe I'll write a Dan slut version, too. Maybe in one of the versions the sex will actually happen and the fic rating will jump to Explicit. Who knows. Tell me what you think in the comments! And tell me if you like the fic—I live for encouraging feedback!


End file.
